I have been fairly ‘up’ mood wise recently trying to embrace the change of going back to work and Liberty settling into nursery. Looking into a new flexible working pattern at work so I can still have time with Liberty. I felt that going back to work was a good thing, starting to get my life back and be me again. However religiously playing the lottery so I could be in with a chance to win and then I could quit my job and be a stay at home mum but happy with the current situation. Not worrying about Lib being at nursery or with her grandparents as she will be learning key life skills and constantly entertained and well looked after. I thought I was doing okay and coping well.
After managing to get Liberty down to sleep back at her normal time, decided I couldn’t be bothered with making tea so ordered pizza! Trading stories with Dave about our day’s, then went onto go have a relaxing bath! I lay there trying to relax but all of a sudden, this wave of panic came over me in the form of a full on attack! I started panicking about my life! My head felt like it was spinning and running at a million miles an hour. I started Panicking about our trip to London next week to start with! Will Liberty be safe? Will I enjoy it? will I be okay being around some many people? (This anxiety started recently due to lack of help from people when I was taking Liberty out. No one helped when I was using public transport, getting in and out of shops and people would be rude when I would try and get through a crowd with a pushchair so I started to avoid certain places especially if required using the train or had stairs and it would have to be planned well in advance if I had to go). I also panicked about the upcoming staff briefing at work where it was noted that we will be informed about a staff structure change thinking I might be out of a job. Especially since I want to put a request in to reduce my hours, I don’t want them to say I can’t do my job or my job needs to be full time as might have additional responsibilities added to it or be merging with another following the consultation. What happens if I am made redundant, how can I support my family or get the mortgage we are in the process of looking for? I was panicking that I have been spending money quite a bit recently, am I spending too much? Would my care team think I’m going manic? (As that is one of the signs that I am). Am I going manic? As I am constantly anxious and worrying, I give myself a headache so I end up taking painkillers. I am stressing that I’m taking too much and I panic when I have forgotten them when I go out. Am I addicted to them? Am I damaging my body? What happens if they start to stop working because I have taken them to much? These are naming just a few of my worries. If I wrote them all, then this post would turn into a 10 scroller page to get to the bottom! I managed to call for Dave to calm me down and he got me out of the bath. I literally had to sit outside to catch my breath only wearing a towel in the cold night but it helped.
I think it was triggered by tiredness. It hasn’t help that Liberty has been poorly recently which resulted in many nights of broken sleep. Trying not to let the sleep deprivation show, making sure that I am giving 110% to everything so people don’t think I’m not coping. I’m putting too much pressure on myself! I had previously mentioned that I have been feeling ‘higher’ than usual to my care team and to be on the safe side they have booked an emergency Consultant appointment on Thursday so at least help is coming! #HolditTogether